Inspiration

October, 2022.

I just woke up from a dream about Matt. He just showed up and started talking like nothing happened. I was so happy to see him.

I told him that I thought he hated me. He said to me. “how could you have thought that?”

He is still haunting me. All his words don’t match his actions. It still hurts so much.

Alex’s dad passed away, he’s leaving to new York. I’m going to be all alone here for a bit.

Sometimes it hurts more than others. This is one of those times.

Heard briefly from Matt. He has left Hawaii, I’ll never see him again. I wished him success and happiness.

I did what Alex calls “the forgive” to Sebastian. He had gone MIA for MONTHS. No gaming online, nothing. I thought he had died.

My sister’s boyfriend also had a lot of mental issues and was in the Navy, he committed suicide a few months ago. This likely colored my thoughts.

I cried, grieved for Sebastian. Turns out, he just ghosted me again. I said goodbye and this time I blocked him on every platform.

I resigned my job. I gave 2 weeks,but the new CIO said because I did such a thorough job with documentation, that she didn’t want me to start something new and accepted by resignation of that day. They also screwed me out of half my pto, and a bunch of other financial issues. It Runs a theme with them.

Right before I went on vacation, the only vacation I got an entire year, I was looking at the PCI compliance renewal and realized that they had been cheating and lying the entire time. They have been scanning a non-existent IP address for the web server, checked all the boxes yes even though 90% of them were no. They lied about the cyber security insurance compliance, and I don’t expect anything different from them this time.

I joined the local chapter of ISC² and had been volunteering for them, it’s a really great group. I found out about an opportunity called onward to opportunity that pays for certification for cissp. It’s an amazing opportunity. Have had a bunch of job interviews, all of them pay upwards of $100,000. So I just have to hold on a little while until the interviews go through.

https://enlightenedfaerie.wordpress.com/

This site’s storage is full so I will continue blogging on englightenedfaerie.wordpress.com

When I have a strong, soul level connection with someone, if they choose to throw it away, when I finally heal, they don’t get another chance. This is my new rule.

There is only one ex I would get back with in a second if he Gane me another chance. Technically I broke up with him. If you read my blog it’s obvious who this is.

I need to harden myself. If someone breaks my heart, they don’t deserve me. I’m so generous, I’m so sweet, I love so deeply. I’m so loyal. More chances are something I need to eliminate, to protect myself.

Space. It’s not my thing. When I love someone, and feel secure, I blossom. I become so beautiful, and keep expanding it is limitless.

My mom told me she was afraid I’d float off into space when I was growing up. She didn’t realize I was only able to do that because vsge was my anchor.

When my anchor gets cut, I stop growing. It doesn’t feel safe to grow, when I don’t have anything to hold onto.

I am sensitive, sure. The amount of armor and toughness completely depends on context.

At my job, out of necessity, they think I’m aggressive, a force of nature. (Who is this girl she sounds tough lol)

With the general public I’m kind but fairly tough, I’ve worked over the years so s typical stranger can’t make me cry… (Yep that took years of work 😅)

With my loved ones, I’m vulnerable. However if I actually trust you, I have zero…. Zero defenses. I’m not ready for a fight, I’m only prepared to take care of, give affection and love.

This makes for wonderful happy relationships but if someone is trying to end a relationship it definitely gives them a lot of reason. I’m an enneagram 9. The peacemaker. Conflict makes my tummy hurt so much.

I’m never ready for a fight or an argument on an emotional basis with someone I love and trust. Sb intellectual debate, I’m down, at the drop of a hat. But if it is something that impacts my relationship, I’m a stuttering fool.

Is it that complete vulnerability doesn’t leave room for defenses? Do I have to pack away and shift the ratio?

I think Alex operates at 98% defense abd 2% vulnerability if he really, really trusts you. 😂😂😂. I’m a big, mushy, open ball of vulnerable. And low and behold, he’s tough, he doesn’t get hurt. I get blindsided and heartbroken, by people I trust so much.

Maybe an influx of jade into my system is about time.

Alex predicted all of this. It’s frickin eerie. He told me he heard Nick’s voice, and he knew everything he needed to know about him from that. I totally didn’t believe him at the time.

He predicted that Nick would hurt me, that it would be in Valentine’s day, and that I would come back early. Everything has come true, and I didn’t see it coming at all. Very eerie how accurate he was.

I’m so grateful for Alex’s friendship. He’s the only person I have left go trust in the world. He’s picking me up from the airport in Saturday, a week early. It will be the last time I’ll ever see Nick. I’ve decided to move on, clean break, block Nick. He really let me down, he broke my heart. He broke my trust. He’s not who I thought he was at all. I can’t believe less than a week ago, he was asking me to move to California to live with him, now this shit? Seems surreal.

Lessons: 
1. It is those you trust the most, who you think will never hurt you, who hurt you the most.
2. No one has the same heart as you. 
3. Don't trust words. Promises. They are empty and are broken often. 
6. Do not ignore red flags!!!!
7. Don't go out of your way to please anyone else
8. Don't give your personal power to anyone else
9. Avoid BDSM. Seems to attract those I should avoid. 
10. Don't trust people. Don't count on people. People are so fickle, the only person you can count in is yourself 
And 11. Listen to Alex. Follow his advice next time 😅 He's got a gift and he actually has your back, Sandy 😃

Nick dumpd me on Valentine’s day. First of my mom’s birthdays after her death. After I come to visit him.

He has all these stipulations if I want to fix the relationship.

This morning, I just wanted reassurance. I was feeling very insecure. So I texted him. This is what I need to make amends for.

I’m trying to see perspectives. I guess he doesn’t feel bad for breaking my heart, for rejecting me after I come to visit, while in the same week wanting me to give up everything and move in with him…. He doesn’t feel bad for dumping me on Valentine’s day. Or damaging my ability to trust anyone.

He has tons of relationships so I guess this is the dark side of polyamory. It’s less impactful to get rid of one when there’s an obstacle if you have so many more.

I’m really considering listening to Alex and getting a car, getting to the airport, and cutting him out of my life. I trusted him, he was my safe place. I love him. It’s so damn awkward here now, and I feel like an absolute fool for believing him and trusting him, for being here at all. Fuckkkkk 😥 happy bloody Valentine’s day.

Nick dumped me on Valentine’s day, the day after the first mom’s birthday since she died. I feel like an idiot for being here. Less than a week ago, he wanted me to move in with him.

Still processing but this already has done a number on my ability to trust. He was one of 2 people I completely trusted. I had told him that he was my safe place. I feel like an idiot.

Disclaimer: based on my life experience

That word. Cringe. First time I heard it was my husband, but that marriage lasted 4 years. Just heard it again.

From the way David described it was no purpose for life, hopeless, no spirituality, no religion.

I am not religious. (I believe that most of the evil on the planet is caused by organized religion. Fuck organized religion….) *** (Yes I realize evil is a concept made up by humans & is subjective. My definition of evil is: murder, pillage, take, carnage, war, inflicting suffering, poverty, greed, and the like is my basic definition of the evils of religion….) (And the United States but I digress)

Spirituality should not be associated with religion. I signed up for YouTube premium, they wanted to know what I was interested in. Spirituality yes, religion, maybe talking about how its awful … But every result was christian.

More importantly, religion, in my opinion is brainwashing, spirituality is being conscious and thinking for yourself, waking up. Religion is a baby blanket, God will tuck you in at night, don’t worry, mom is in heaven.

It feels safe to think someone is watching over you. That what you do doesn’t matter because you go to heaven.

Sadhguru has not necessarily influenced me, but more out into words what I’ve always felt. Love that dude. Alex calls him Indian Santa Claus and refuses to listen. 😅

I don’t think I have it in me to be nihilistic and thank the universe for that. Seems sad. Life couldn’t be without purpose, even if there was no design. What you do impacts everything. Not just humans, but all life. Your energy impacts everything. Anyone who doesn’t give you have a certain energy that impacts the world around you is not paying attention. So if nothing else, why can’t your purpose be making life amazing for everything on earth by being the best human you can be?

Last year changed the landscape of trust for me. When my mom passed, the number of people I could say I trusted plummeted to zero, and eventually rose to 2.

I learned blood ties were nothing in relation to trust, that some people I loved so much and never doubted I could trust would be the very ones to do damage that may never repair, and that coming from a skeptical position on trusting new people might actually be generous.

I have been made aware that there are many different definitions of trust. The one I refer to is to have my back, to keep promises, that I could rely on these people in the future.

Yes, getting burglarized did a number on my trust in Hawaii and in general. What happened with my sister, Matt mostly, Sebastian, what happened in Colorado with my ex husband and a good friend. My mom dying was my worst fear. The people who I counted on to be there for me disappeared. I went through it completely alone.

It’s so funny, prior to that, so many good friends told me I trusted too easily. 🤣 Who was this girl? How did I go from trusting so freely that people who loved me wanted me to temper my trust to not being able to trust anyone? One year. The worst year of my life.

Currently only trust 2 people on earth, sadly they are chosen and not blood. At least these people have proven themselves.

I have 2 people in this world that I love and trust with my whole heart. Nick and Alex. Nick is so happy I am here. That makes me very happy.

Last month I told Alex that when he has to go back to New York I would be there for him to take care of anything I could for him. He has a hard road ahead of him there. He is the strongest person I know, yet last time New York broke him. Next time he goes, he will be dealing with all that, plus funeral arrangements and who knows what else.

It is true that this time I won’t be his girlfriend, however I feel so much later to him than I was when I was his girlfriend.

He told me he was sad that next day, thinking about New York. Not sure he connected it to me telling him I would help, but I knew it. So I won’t tell him this until it’s time.

When he goes back, I’m going to offer to go with him, at least for a few weeks, when he needs the most help. He will never actually admit he needs help though. I want to be his anchor, I want to remind him of the sunshine. To take care of arrangements and other things, and to keep the light in his life when he’s surrounded by darkness.

He’s done so much for me, he means so much to me. This is something I can and want to do for him, and I think it will make all the difference.

And I’ll be back in a month.

Nick paid for me to fly up to California to stay with him for a month, and my job is letting me work from there.

I’m in the airport bar, because I’m 1.5 hours early. I have memory association with this airport and my friend who ghosted me.

I don’t understand how you become really close to someone, and you just leave without any explanation. I do not understand ghosting. I don’t even do it to someone I go out with one time.

I’ve been missing him a lot lately. Up til now, there hasn’t been sadness, only gratitude. Right now, at the airport, there are tears.

My friend who I love with all my heart, he loves to travel. After I met him, I was flying back to Colorado from Hawaii, and TSA had just confiscated this perfume my dying mother had bought me for my birthday. I lost it, I was bawling. She was in hospice and didn’t have a lot of time left.

He talked to me the whole time, sent me poems. And every day after that. Admittedly, some of his poetry was dark. I could tell he was in a lot of pain when he had written them. But it showed me his soul. It was beautiful.

He said we saw each other naked before clothed or something to that effect. Not literally; in terms of vulnerability. My mom was dying, and he said he shared more with me than most people he’s known for awhile.

I love introverts in general, and he was very very introverted. It meant a lot that he said that, because I “wasn’t people” to him …. He didn’t need a break from talking to me (then) to recharge.

Reflecting on this, I completely broke down crying. I realized, perhaps, because he didn’t know he needed to take breaks from me, it permanently broke our friendship. This still hurts so much.

This is the first time I’ve cried about losing Matt in months though, which is good. I’m going to look awful when Nick picks me up.

I told Nick all of this. I love that I can tell Nick everything.

I have to somehow heal from this airport associated trauma if I want to achieve my goal of traveling the world.

I am very lucky. I am lucky to be so fit, to be blessed with such beauty, and to be blessed with such kindness. I am very lucky to have grown up in a safe sheltered little town, for me to become like this. I’m very lucky that I did not grow up in brooklyn, where the world makes you very tough, and where people do not say they’re sorry or treat each other with kindness. I’m also very lucky to have a friend from Brooklyn, who is very protective and tries to keep me safe, who never has to say he’s sorry to me. I’m very lucky to be back in hawaii, I’m very lucky to be happy. I’m very lucky to have love and have friendships who love me. I’m very lucky for all the people who let me know it is not. My friends are my family. I got to reconnect with a lot of people today that I love, I feel connected safe and secure.

Alex came over today to help me replace the security door before I go to California. We got to talking. He said on the surface I am amazing because I know so much, but what am I really passionate about?

This entry is to try to process that.

I'm passionate about plants and nature. The ocean. 

I'm passionate about my career, maybe not this particular job anymore, but I love IT. I love it because I have a natural talent for troubleshooting, problem solving, and I like to use that to help people and make a difference. 

I'm passionate about really connecting with someone else, it's the best feeling in the world. I haven't connected with anyone, save for Nick and Alex, since Matt. Nothing has been the same after he ghosted me. I have lost trust and faith in almost everyone and have no interest in meeting anyone else. I'm still so changed by what happened. People used to connect to me very easily, it was almost like they would get a high off my energy/personality st first. They would get so excited if I spent a lot of time with them and become infatuated often. I don't have any interest in letting that happen now. I don't want to get hurt again. If I don't connect, they can't hurt me, can't let me down. 

Nick is the exception because it's different than the other guys I've dated. He's sweet. He's not dismissive avoidant, thankfully. He's understanding, empathetic. It wasn't a meet and instant connect, very strong start that fizzles out. With Nick, it was a slow start. And possibly that will lead to longevity. He's being deployed soon, but I take comfort at the very least it's not a place where rockets are constantly being fired at him, like David. 

I'm passionate about working out, running, abd especially yoga. 

I'm passionate about always learning, evolving, and becoming a better me. I look back on my 22 years long IT career abd I have come such a very long way, professionally and personally. 



And I will just admit it right here. I still miss natt. That never stopped. I miss his voice, miss his Outlook/perspective, miss his elegant poetry abd creative mind. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him unless I get my memory erased or a lobotomy. I didn't know him a very very long time but he was one of the most important people I've ever met.  At the very least, when I'm missing him lately, it usually doesn't hurt anymore, that's small progress. I wish it into existence that he would be my friend again,that he might miss me as well. But I can't hold out hope for that; all hope has diminished on this. 


I'm passionate about finally getting to travel the world and eventually leaving the United States for somewhere more aligned to me. Just gotta find out where.  

There’s a lot that I’ve been thinking about but I found when I don’t write it down, it’s not as impactful.

I wish I knew what an amazing person Alex was while I’m still with him, I wouldnt have thrown away what we had. He’s the most generous, thoughtful, sweet person, and I lost out on that. He is still an amazing friend though.

I have decided to stay in hawaii, I found my connection here. I had woken up very early in the morning, 2:00 a.m. and went for a hike up the Hanauma Bay trail. It was there I had an epiphany, where else in the United States could I hike at 2:30 in the morning in January, and it is so beautiful. As long as I’m in nature, Hawaii is magical. I lost my car for a while, so I wasn’t able to get in nature, and that caused a lot of depression.

First day back at work, not happy about not working from home anymore. I am going to California next week to spend a month with Nick though, I miss the cuddles, I miss him. He’s being deployed this year and I’ve been through it with David but it’s different this time, I just got to be here for him if he needs someone.

I was an iPhone user for years. I wanted an iPhone before android had a voice assistant like Siri. I finally got one and was very happy with it. Less and less happy, the more restrictive they became, and the more they lost hardware features like the 3.5 mm jack.

When I came to visit my mom in Hawaii when he was in hospice, I had started going to the beach every day after. It was medicine; therapy. I went snorkeling with my dad when he came down, and I went to put my phone far under the seat as usual. He said it wasn’t safe, and he put it into a “waterproof/leak-proof” box, and we got into the water. It leaked and destroyed that phone. He bought me a new one, sent it to Colorado. It was an iPhone 11 max. I think 🙂 It was the worst phone ever. They had gotten rid of the fingerprint reader, and the face scanner hardware broke within 2 weeks of my getting the phone. I wasn’t able to return it because I stayed in Hawaii much longer than planned, so it was way past the return period.

This started my journey to break free from the cult of Apple, in the words of my former friend, Matt. The more I tried to switch, the more I realized how hard they make it. If you have data in iCloud, you don’t own it. You own nothing. Your pictures, your meaningful messages, videos. They don’t let you export it or switch easily away from Apple. However, if you would like to switch from Android to Apple, well, there’s a simple app for that.

The harder it was to break free, the more I hated Apple. I finally got away and I will never go back. Not only that, I will disparage the brand for the rest of my life. Fuck Apple.

This is a lesson to myself. I have had an anxious attachment style from childhood. This isn’t my fault, however what I do and how I behave is my responsibility. I have lost very meaningful relationships by holding too tightly, terrified to let go. This has pushed people I will always love away.

I’m not saying that apple loves its customers :). They are a soulless, greedy, capatistic corporation like every single american company. No matter they mission, their stated values, they will cut your throat in the end to make a profit. But I digress….

I became okay with cutting people off last year. I have to find a way to be okay not holding on. I am a sweet, wonderful, generous, kind person. I believe in my heart if I learn not to hold on too tightly, most people would want to keep me in their life if they are lucky enough to gain my trust and love.

Nick is the first person I’ve been in a relationship with that breaks my dismissive anxious patter, by the way. It’s very healthy, amazing, and I feel very safe with him. I don’t worry he will push me away or abandon me. So I don’t feel like I need to hold on tightly, because I’m safe. That’s a wonderful feeling.

I have come to a realization. Hawaii is a magical place for me …. only when I have connections here. Real, deep, loving connections. Without that, it is nothing.

All my life in Hawaii, my mom had been here, so there was that. She passed, Matt left, and I was lost. There was Keri and I loved that girl, but she’s gone too.

Alex wasn’t here, he was in New York during the beginning, so that wasn’t anything. Then he got back and stopped talking to me for months. I met Nick, and it was amazing. But Nick left too.

I’m tired, exhausted from trying to meet new people. Alex is a good friend, but he mentioned the other day he doesn’t want to be connected to anyone. This is scary to me, as he is all I have here. It’s not enough, not even close.

I had the most amazing day yesterday. I went for a run almost all the way to Sandy Beach and back on the scenic route, then hiked the Hanauma Bay trail when I got up. I noticed my new sneakers are almost worn out from so much running.

I bought a rug and the lady delivered. She is a professional organizer who helps people for charity. She offered to help me organize my place for free. She helped me organize the living room. She offered to list and sell my mom’s stuff I was having trouble with. It was incredible. Then I went on a spiritual journey. I was feeling so good, so peaceful, and I was going to fall asleep early, at 8 pm to catch up on the severe sleep deprivation that has happened since the break-in. Except, I thought I heard glass breaking. Panic ensued. I went out to check, and the alarm went off because I had checked the setting for the motion sensor to trip when I am home. Sirens blaring. I haven’t been able to stop being distressed since. I eventually fell asleep at 2, woke up at 5. Went to my bed, slept from 5-6:30.

I have no real connection here, so Hawaii is empty for me. Nick is in California but in the desert. I am not a desert person. But I think connection trumps natural beauty, at least for now. I’m going to California to stay with him for a month in February and we will see where that takes me.